To The New Guy

I have been on my own long enough to know that I don't need anyone but myself. I promise myself that I wouldn't let anyone get close to me again unless they made me feel that being with them was better for me than being by myself. So please, don't try to fix what someone else broke. I can and will fix it on my own. So, I don't need you. I'm doing just fine on my own. I'm fine before you and will be just fine during you and after you. But, I do want you.

I am an independent person and I am proud to say so. I love being by myself. To me, nothing is better than a good book on a rainy day or spending a Saturday night in bed watching Netflix. I have never been the type of girl who fantasizes about a relationship like the one in The Notebook.

Don't promise me that you will never hurt me. The truth is when you love someone, they're going to hurt you in a lot of different ways, probably more than once or twice. People do disappointment, even the person we love. So, just don't. I don't need your promises. And trust is not something that I give freely, you have to earn it.

I am not the type of person who believes in fate. I'm a skeptic, a realist. I am absolutely not the type of girl who believes in love, or soul mates, or grand romantic gesture similar to those fashioned by Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother.

I don't use the L word lightly. Love, that is not a word I hand out like candy. When I say it I mean it. So it will take me a little time to use that word with you. I will feel it long before I say it to you. You will feel it long before I say it to you. For the longest time, I didn't even believe in love, I know I am capable of loving someone, it just takes my heart a little longer to convince my brain that its okay to love someone. So, just know that when I get a little freaked out when you talk about maybe feeling that way for me, it's not because I don't want to love you or because I don't want you to love me. I just take it seriously and won't say it until I'm sure I mean it with every ounce of my being. Until I'm sure that I believe in it again, that love does exist.

Please don't expect too much from me.

I am afraid to open up

Be patient with me, I might be a little broken.
I am a healing human being.
I've been hurt before and not just a little hurt.
I'll tend to push you away.
I don't let people in, not that easy at least.
Tend to hide my feeling or even trying to run.
I have never been good et expression and my past only make it harder.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm in.
I know my wall is high, but I am willing to let you break them.
Let's give it a try.

To You, This Is Me Letting You Go

Heartbreak doesn't discriminate. It doesn't ask if you date or not, and for how long.
Heartbreak doesn't care for labels. It doesn't feel any less real just because they weren't your boyfriend or girlfriend.
Sometimes it hurts even more getting over someone you were never with solely because there is that 'what if' factor that plays into it.

When relationship have labels you're either together or you're not. You're either single or with them.
But when you're emotionally invested in someone, you hold onto hope that one day it will be something.
But then you get hit a cold reality that this thing you are so emotionally invested in has come to a dead end.

The hard part about ending is when there wasn't a beginning to compare with. Suddenly you were just emotionally invested in this person with no going back.
Then it's over and you're just expected to be okay.

You're left having to mourn a relationship that wasn't actually one but you love them like it was real.
Feeling are real and you don't need a labels to justify that.

It's not really a breakup, but it feels like one.
You have trouble sleeping at night. You find yourself crying at 2am. You wake up tired looking at your phone remembering when they used to be that text or notifications you woke up to, just saying 'hi' or 'bipbip' or 'morning'.

The pain is a little deeper but you can't express these things publicity.
You can't break down, because if you do, you're afraid he will think 'well, you knew the consequences since day one'
He asked once 'if we come to end? will you be mad at me?'
Then I said 'no, I will sad and disappointed, but not mad. why do you ask?'
He was like 'nothing. because if you do, I will kinda wondering why would you mad, because you knew since the first place that it could be happen. there is a chance that it will happen'
Though I saw it coming, it still hurts, so much.

You don't have to date people to fall in love with them.
And clearly, you don't have to date people to get hurt by them.
When your heart is invested in someone the pain feels exactly the same.

But the hardest part is trying to move on and pretend that you accept the circumtances and you guys can be friendly and cordial. And that's okay, you get used to it eventually, and you'll be just fine at the end.
But for now, it's okay if it's destroying you every time they reach out, because seeing them is this reminder what you'll never be. And you're losing sleep over someone who is probably sleeping just fine.

And I know what it's like to not be able to clearly articulate this pain that consume you.
When you love someone and you really wanted to be something more, the pain you feel is something that will take time to get over. And that's okay.

Maybe he notice as I pull away. Maybe he realize I'm not talking as much.
And part of me wants to scream 'yes! I'm hurt! I feel completely broken!'
Thoughts of him pass by my head and all I can think of is how much I miss him.
But I stay silent because something about mourning an ending when there wasn't actually a beginning makes me look like a fool.
Beside, I am too prideful to do that.

Today, I got panic about work, 9pm at the office. I got panic.
The first person I had in mind was you.
I want to call you so bad, not asking for advice, but asking for calmness.
But I didn't do it. You know why? because it would just makes me miss you even more.
You know what I did? I make a conversation with you in my head, just like a fool.
I imagine what would you gonna say, what would you gonna do. I always adore your calmness.
Unfortunately, it's wasn't work.
So I have a silent panic like usual.

Yeah, this is how much I love you.
This is how deep I fall in love with you.
To the point that when I got panic, the first person I think that can make me calm was you.
And I'm sure you know how easy I am to get panic.

Just like I said before.
I'm not mad. I don't hate you. How could I hate you? With all our history and all of our memories, I'm incapable of hating you.
I refuse to say I hate you, because you and I both know I'd be lying.
I just couldn't take another day of wondering if you'd be around.
I don't hate you. I could never hate you, because all I feel is sadness in my heart about us, about you.
Hating you won't change anything, didn't it?
We are good. And don't worry, I'm not blaming you. I blame myself.
I was unrealistic and blinded with what could have been instead of see what really is.

I'm sad, devastated, and a little miserable, but not mad.
He once asked 'why should you feel miserable?'
I smile 'how could I'm not? I have to let go the person that I love. How could I'm not?'
It's okay if you are not. But somehow I am, not for a long time, just for a while.
But sometimes I wonder, how could you be fine? How could you look fine?
I know that you have this special ability to look completely, extremely calm. But still, how could you?
You said 'its okay if you want to seeing another guy and go out with them. It's not fair for you if I say you can't'
I was thought 'how could I?'
I can understand the fairness reason, but are you really okay with that? Me going out with another guy? Is it that easy for you to see me with another guy?
But then I told my mind to stop analyze it. Because I might be can't handle my own mind right now.
I'm not afraid if it's wrong, but I'm afraid if it isn't.
So I distract myself. I overwork my body, it works somehow.

And I think this is my end line. I'm done being miserable.

I'm done hoping there will ever be a "you and me" because I know there never will be.

I wish I could feel like a normal human being. Doesn't a normal people will get over someone quickly? Move on quickly?
But what we had wasn't normal, it was crazy and addictive.
Even though we could never be, I still love that you love me (I genuinely believe this).

I'm not over you yet, but I will. Even if it takes another 2.5 years, I will.

Lately,
I stop reread our chat history. yeah, history.
And I stop checking your WhatsApp last seen.
I still can't erase it, it still there, but at least I don't reread it anymore and I stop checking it every once in a while.

I try to convince myself sometimes that I don't love you.

If I'm really the answer for all your night prayers just like you said, I will no longer hanging around waiting for you to prove it.

I'm walking away.

Yeah,

This is me saying goodbye.
You said that you can't do it, so I did.
I give you an easy way out, I'm the one who say goodbye, for both of us.

This is me letting you go.

I hope you get the best happiness that you wish for.

I hope you find what you really want.

I am genuinely hoping you have a happy life.

I am letting you go off the hook.

Thank you, for the times, the loves, the hugs and kisses, warmness and kindness, attentions, the stories, everything.

and goodbye.

P.S : yes we can be friends and we will. I will try my best to not avoiding you. I have to face the truth anyway. I'll smile and act like nothing's going on.

Just like you said, I have to deal with the pain to get used to with the pain. So it will be painless.

Are You Happy?

Seeing you doing just fine like nothing happen makes me wonder,
You smile like it was nothing.
You act like it was nothing.

Sometimes it makes me wonder,
Are you happy? are you having fun? is that for real?
Or pretend to be?
Or just really comfortable?
Or is it really nothing for you?

My brain refuse to work normally.
It won't analyze the situasion.
It's not that I'm afraid it will be wrong, but I'm afraid if it isn't.
Because it's never wrong so far.

Right now, I don't think I even can handle my own mind.

Right now, just okay is enough.
Even I know it's okay for not being okay.
But, right now, it's okay.
I'm okay.
Just okay.
And that's enough.
For now.

I Don't Know, But I'm Okay

Have you ever wanted to cry but no tears com out, so you just stare blankly into space while your heart break into pieces?

I don’t know how to let go of the one person I have always connected with on a level deeper than I know how to explain to people who will never understand it.

I don’t know how to stop letting him into every nook and cranny of my life.

I don’t know how to stop missing our daily marathon conversations.

I don’t know how to stop wanting the feeling of his arms around me when the weight of the world feels a little too heavy.

I don’t know how to stop wondering what it would be like for every inch of my body to touch every 

inch of his.

I don’t know how to get his memory out of my heart and his music out of my head.

I don’t know how to contain the joy and excitement I feel every time he contacts me.

I don’t know how to stop wondering what he’s up to in quiet moments of solitude.

I don’t know how to free myself from the ghost of what never became.

I don’t know how to adjust to the idea of eventually seeing him with someone else.

I don’t know how to fill the space inside my chest that he once occupied perfectly.

It such a dilemma, I want to distance myself from you, but yet, I don't want to lose you.

I still can't erase our chat history.
Ya, history.
I stop reread it and stop checking it lately.
But it still there. All of it.
I don't think I can erase it.
I'll just wait until my phone broke and erase it automatically.

How far you can go without destroying from within what you are trying to defend from without?

And every time you ask, I'll pretend that I'm okay.

And now, we haven't spoke in days, and again, I'm trying to be okay with that.
I pretend everything was going to be okay, but inside I was going crazy.

I'm fine. I'm great. I'm horrible. I'm devastated. But okay.

I was blinded by what might be instead of seeing what already is.

But I think for know it's okay.

It's okay to feel hurt. Ya, it's hurt, but it's okay.

It's okay to feel like you won't ever believe in love anymore.

It's okay to feel like running

It's okay to just avoid him every day, every time.

Because you have a right for that

It's okay. Sometimes all you can do is smile, move on with your day, hold back the tears and pretend you're okay.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

Because just like falling in love for someone, falling away from someone takes time too.
I just hope this time, will be faster than the last time.

Do You Miss Me?

Today I admit to myself that I do miss you.
I miss our little talk, the ones that made our souls come alive.

I think of you when it's quiet.
When the air is still, and the clock is ticking, and the day is heavy.

Do you ever just sit and have conversations with me in your head?

Of course I know, I will only be stronger for having had endured this.
But right now, I don't feel strong at all.
I only feel nothing.
Strongly.

I learned to control my emotions the rough way.
And ended up feeling nothing.
At all.

Sometimes nothing is an emotion too.
And sometimes, nothing is the only emotion I need.

It's Okay To Not Being Okay

Mind is a funny thing, you know?

You could be sitting on California beach with martini in your hands and still not be okay.

And I know, you are not supposed to be worry when you are lounging by the ocean. You are not supposed to have a care in the world.

But you can't re-wire your brain. You can't take 100mg of an anti-anxiety med and expect it to cure you. You can't stop your wheels from turning or stop your heart from racing.

You can't just always calm down or chill or relax.

At least I can't.

I'm still learning to accept that my brain is different.

I run from people that are not even dangerous. I run for good.

I see the worst in every situation, even if it's a healthy one.

But that's the thing about anxiety. You can't wish it away or pray it away or drink it away.

You can't disconnect. You can't just, Stop.

I look calm and smile bright. But inside, my chest is heavy and it feels like a whale is sitting on top of my heart.

I want to scream and shout and have someone to tell me I'm okay. To just say I'll be okay.

I don't know how to accept this. That even in the sunshine, my mind is full of thunder.

I don't know how to be okay with not being okay.

But I think I just need to accept that I'm not okay, and that's okay.

Because you never completely being okay.

Maybe If I Say It Enough, I'll Listen

I'm still constantly checking your WhatsApp last seen.
At day, just to know if you're busy or not.
At night, just to know if you're asleep yet or not.
A hundred times I have to tell myself to not say hi. Because I feel like I want to do it so bad.
Then I wonder if you feel that way too. If you do that too.

I keep telling myself

Close your eyes
Take a deep breath
Don't look back

Close your eyes
Take a deep breath
Don't look back

Close your eyes
Take a deep breath
Don't look back

Close your eyes
Take a deep breath
Don't look back

Close your eyes
Take a deep breath
Don't look back

Close your eyes
Take a deep breath
Don't look back

So many times,
Everyday,
I can't even count it anymore.
Maybe,
If I say it enough,
I'll finally listen..

I'm so over you
The way that you laugh at everything that I do
I'm so over you
The way that you hug me in a cold rainy day
Maybe if I tell myself enough
Maybe if I do
I'll get over you

The "Maybe" (The "Someday" I Thought Would Never Come)

I always fear to let someone get close to me.

Close enough that they become a routine.

Close enough that I suddenly build this life with them.

So naturally, I push people away. But even the coldest most fearful hearts cross paths with someone who suddenly breaks down everything they've built to protect themselves.

Relationship and the concept of love are only good as long as emotions are operative and in good condition. But emotions are indefinite, emotions are consistently irregular.

Well, emotions can be genuine - AT THE TIME

Our own emotions are deceptive, our emotions can deceive even ourselves.

Love did not turn out as what we wanted to be.

Suddenly,

you meet someone and it's so easy.

Part of me says don't do this, you'll get hurt. Then the other part says go, make them yours and don't look back.

Then I have this thought that

maybe you are the one, the one who will make me stop searching and waiting.

maybe I can trust this one.

maybe you are my final stop.

maybe this one will turn out differently.

and maybe everything will just work out at the end.

You go from strangers to suddenly this person knowing me to the core of who I am.

You go from having my guard up to trusting you in a way I don't trust anyone else.

And three words roll off my tongue and I'm suddenly envisioning a future where you are a part of it.

You walked in and I can't concentrate anymore. My stubborness is learning to bend.

And there's the truth.

Love doesn't exist in a bubble.

Love isn't just about you or the other person or even you and the other person.

Love has to wriggle its way through society, too.

Then I do everything I can to try and numb this pain that is consuming me.

The pain is my fault. I was unrealistic.

I stay busy. I get lost in work.

I go somewhere. Have fun. I fake the best smile I can

But inside,

it's like I can not do this anymore

The hardest part about building myself back up is when I'm so good at pretending things did not hurt me in the first place, no one realizes. No one realizes how much I'm just so hung up over the past I thought would lead to a different future.

It's seeing you across social media and I wonder how you make it look so easy?

When I'm over here falling completely apart.

When I'm over here dying to distract myself from the thought of you.

Then I wonder are you even hurt too? are you even miss me too?

I wonder if you wake in the night wishing I was there, right by your side.

I walked away smiling, but it took everything in me to keep my composure.

Part of me is trying to be the bigger person and because I do hope you are well.

And all I want is to escape this pain that consumes me, but I'm lost with knowing how.

I look at your number and I want to call you or text you, but I know I'll regret it the next day

So I try and stay strong. I try not to talk about it. I try and not let it eat me away inside.

But there is a pain to my soul that I can not explain. I was like a patient who can not tell the doctor where it hurts, only it does. It actually hurts to go through the motion.

And I'm barely sleeping.

I truly believed things would play out differently than they did.

Or maybe that's what I told myself and wanted to believe.

And again,

maybe,

I looked for every reason to lead myself to that conclusion. We see the signs we want to in life, not the ones that are right in front of us sometimes.

No, I actually know, deep down, I know that it will be end like this.
I know that you can't leave what you have.
But I just keep denied it. And somehow you can convince me that it could be work.
But I know the consequences since day one.

I truly believed that you cared. I believed every text was because you wanted to talk to me not because you were bored.

I held on longer than I should have and I do not know why. Maybe because I saw something in you and genuinely believed in it. Something so good. Good enough to make me never want to leave you. And maybe for once, things were so magical that the idea of letting go of all our beautiful memories was a tough pill to swallow. Or maybe because I just wanted things to work this time. I wanted it to work so bad that even after all the damage you caused, I still choose to give it a chance.

But I was holding onto and chasing after something that might not even been there in the first place. I hate thinking if I gave it one more shot or tried a lot harder or stay a little longer, just maybe it would have worked out.

And for the last time.

It's still, somehow,

There's this thought that you're might be the last one.

Maybe we just found forever at the wrong time, and, someday, time will pull us back together again.

And if this be but a dream,

Allow me to live in it a while longer

I asked once, "what if I go..."

and you said, "why? what if you stay..."

I asked once "what am I to you?"
and you answer "you are like the answer for everything, for all my night prayers"

I was genuinely believed it.

You are the question and the answer. Yet, you confuse me.

You are the "someday" I thought would never come.

A Pause

did you ever be in that position when you think that you're happy and have fun but then there is a time when you feel like a pause then you realize that your mind is somewhere else all the time?

then you just freeze and feel like daydreaming.

you don't know what to do or what to think.

you just pause and daydreaming.

it happens to me a lot lately.

and somehow it doesn't feel good.

because somehow in that pause,

like in the middle of it, you know exactly what you're thinking about.

or whom you're thinking about.

but again,

you can do nothing about that.

I Never Saw You Coming

Have you ever thought that if one thing had not happened, a whole set of things never would have either?

When we first started talking, I honestly did not want to get involved with anyone.
But you were so easy to talk to.
Sometimes you just laugh at the stupidest things.
Or just sit there and staring.

You knock on my door, gradually.
You barely said a word. You just did things.
And once I got used to your action, you finally started speaking.

And before I know it, little by little
I found myself falling for you.
Falling with the personality, their behavior, the thoughts and opinions.
Falling with the way you treat me.

There is a time when I want to run.
My natural instinct is to run every time I fall in love.
Every time I feel that I'm getting attach with a person, my instinct told me to run.
Run, fast, and not coming back.

I do not know how, but with you it always failed.
It breaks my concentration when I am busy and drifts my mind away to thoughts of you when I am in the middle of conversation.
Believe me, i've tried so many times to run. But I keep coming back to you.
You have this certain ways to make me calm and not run.
You always have a way to convince me.
Like a desperate needy child, it pokes and prods tirelessly for my attention. And in the end, it always gets it.

I can't blame you, you were smart, you knew, I let my guard down.
You release fires inside of me. Fires I thought I had control on.
I should have known the waves keep coming and I'd eventually drown
I should have known better.

You appeared and damn, did everything change.

Well I guess I never saw it coming, yet here you are in from of me
Guess I never had a chance.

Falling in Love With You Was Never My Intention

I'm not fall for you all at once.
No I'm not
I fall for you gradually,
Falling for the little things.
Like the way you laugh mid kiss sometimes, and look at me like you can't believe what is happening. Or simply the way you look at me when we laugh, laughing with you is my favorite.
Like the way you talk about how your day was, the jokes, the anxieties, works, and so much more.
Or simply the way you smile at me when you're done talking about it. Soft and warm.
Or the way you tease me and tickling me when you drive me home.

I'm falling for "the look"
"the look" that feels like anything is possible.
I'm falling with the way you touch me without using your hands.
I'm falling with the thoughtful of you when I left my water bottle in your car.
I'm falling with your calmness, when i'm not. When i'm a mess, you keep calm and not even tell me to calm. You just be there and trying to comfort me. What you don't know is your presence itself is comforting enough.
I'm falling with the way you talk about something I didn't know that you know or something new you just know.
I even falling with the way you pout your lips when you peeved.

I want to be that one who makes your bad days better.
I want to be that one who comes first on your mind when you have a good news to tell.
I want to be your favorite place to go when you've had a bad day or good day.
I want to be that one you will always look back on, and not be able to stop yourself from smiling.
I want to be that one you miss. more than anything, that one you love.

I wasn't looking for anything when i found you.
Falling in love with you was beyond my control

I'm so afraid to wanting you.
I never planned to fall in love with you
But here i am, wanting you, and falling in love with you anyway.

You Were Everything I Shouldn't Have Wanted But I Did.

You need me.
I don't know if you loved me, but you need me.

You needed an island, I was that island.
And that's not what I wanted.
Because all I really wanted was for you to want me.
not need me.
want me
and love me.
for who I was as a person, not for what I did for you and how I made you feel.
like your problems and your issues and your anxieties and your addictions and your past experiences were all okay.

You used me as a barrier between yourself and the things about yourself that you wanted to hide from.

But you ended up burying me too.

Clearly, I know why i stay,
It's because of how i feel for you.
But what i'm afraid of is, part of me believe that you stay because of how i make you feel about yourself.

I think i fall in love with the unexpected person at the most unexpected time.

You were everything I shouldn't have wanted but I did.