It's Okay To Not Being Okay

Mind is a funny thing, you know?

You could be sitting on California beach with martini in your hands and still not be okay.

And I know, you are not supposed to be worry when you are lounging by the ocean. You are not supposed to have a care in the world.

But you can't re-wire your brain. You can't take 100mg of an anti-anxiety med and expect it to cure you. You can't stop your wheels from turning or stop your heart from racing.

You can't just always calm down or chill or relax.

At least I can't.

I'm still learning to accept that my brain is different.

I run from people that are not even dangerous. I run for good.

I see the worst in every situation, even if it's a healthy one.

But that's the thing about anxiety. You can't wish it away or pray it away or drink it away.

You can't disconnect. You can't just, Stop.

I look calm and smile bright. But inside, my chest is heavy and it feels like a whale is sitting on top of my heart.

I want to scream and shout and have someone to tell me I'm okay. To just say I'll be okay.

I don't know how to accept this. That even in the sunshine, my mind is full of thunder.

I don't know how to be okay with not being okay.

But I think I just need to accept that I'm not okay, and that's okay.

Because you never completely being okay.