The "Maybe" (The "Someday" I Thought Would Never Come)

I always fear to let someone get close to me.

Close enough that they become a routine.

Close enough that I suddenly build this life with them.

So naturally, I push people away. But even the coldest most fearful hearts cross paths with someone who suddenly breaks down everything they've built to protect themselves.

Relationship and the concept of love are only good as long as emotions are operative and in good condition. But emotions are indefinite, emotions are consistently irregular.

Well, emotions can be genuine - AT THE TIME

Our own emotions are deceptive, our emotions can deceive even ourselves.

Love did not turn out as what we wanted to be.

Suddenly,

you meet someone and it's so easy.

Part of me says don't do this, you'll get hurt. Then the other part says go, make them yours and don't look back.

Then I have this thought that

maybe you are the one, the one who will make me stop searching and waiting.

maybe I can trust this one.

maybe you are my final stop.

maybe this one will turn out differently.

and maybe everything will just work out at the end.

You go from strangers to suddenly this person knowing me to the core of who I am.

You go from having my guard up to trusting you in a way I don't trust anyone else.

And three words roll off my tongue and I'm suddenly envisioning a future where you are a part of it.

You walked in and I can't concentrate anymore. My stubborness is learning to bend.

And there's the truth.

Love doesn't exist in a bubble.

Love isn't just about you or the other person or even you and the other person.

Love has to wriggle its way through society, too.

Then I do everything I can to try and numb this pain that is consuming me.

The pain is my fault. I was unrealistic.

I stay busy. I get lost in work.

I go somewhere. Have fun. I fake the best smile I can

But inside,

it's like I can not do this anymore

The hardest part about building myself back up is when I'm so good at pretending things did not hurt me in the first place, no one realizes. No one realizes how much I'm just so hung up over the past I thought would lead to a different future.

It's seeing you across social media and I wonder how you make it look so easy?

When I'm over here falling completely apart.

When I'm over here dying to distract myself from the thought of you.

Then I wonder are you even hurt too? are you even miss me too?

I wonder if you wake in the night wishing I was there, right by your side.

I walked away smiling, but it took everything in me to keep my composure.

Part of me is trying to be the bigger person and because I do hope you are well.

And all I want is to escape this pain that consumes me, but I'm lost with knowing how.

I look at your number and I want to call you or text you, but I know I'll regret it the next day

So I try and stay strong. I try not to talk about it. I try and not let it eat me away inside.

But there is a pain to my soul that I can not explain. I was like a patient who can not tell the doctor where it hurts, only it does. It actually hurts to go through the motion.

And I'm barely sleeping.

I truly believed things would play out differently than they did.

Or maybe that's what I told myself and wanted to believe.

And again,

maybe,

I looked for every reason to lead myself to that conclusion. We see the signs we want to in life, not the ones that are right in front of us sometimes.

No, I actually know, deep down, I know that it will be end like this.
I know that you can't leave what you have.
But I just keep denied it. And somehow you can convince me that it could be work.
But I know the consequences since day one.

I truly believed that you cared. I believed every text was because you wanted to talk to me not because you were bored.

I held on longer than I should have and I do not know why. Maybe because I saw something in you and genuinely believed in it. Something so good. Good enough to make me never want to leave you. And maybe for once, things were so magical that the idea of letting go of all our beautiful memories was a tough pill to swallow. Or maybe because I just wanted things to work this time. I wanted it to work so bad that even after all the damage you caused, I still choose to give it a chance.

But I was holding onto and chasing after something that might not even been there in the first place. I hate thinking if I gave it one more shot or tried a lot harder or stay a little longer, just maybe it would have worked out.

And for the last time.

It's still, somehow,

There's this thought that you're might be the last one.

Maybe we just found forever at the wrong time, and, someday, time will pull us back together again.

And if this be but a dream,

Allow me to live in it a while longer

I asked once, "what if I go..."

and you said, "why? what if you stay..."

I asked once "what am I to you?"
and you answer "you are like the answer for everything, for all my night prayers"

I was genuinely believed it.

You are the question and the answer. Yet, you confuse me.

You are the "someday" I thought would never come.