I Forgive You, Not For You, But For Me

If someday I decided that I'm better with myself.
If someday I decided that I can't do it with anyone else.
or need a long time to start with the new one.
Believe me it's because of you.
Absolutely because of you.
No fucking doubt.

It's not because you set the standard too high
Not because no one can't do what you did
Not because you did everything right

But because you make me learn that you can't trust anyone.
Even the one you love the most.

You taught me that.

When I met you, I was thought I've finally found someone I can trust.
I learn to trust you, little by little.
Because after everything that happened before you, somehow you show me that you can be trusted.

But then, you show me otherwise.

You broke he trust like anybody else before you.

No shit I was devastated. I told you everything.
Every single thing.

It took me everything I got to learn to trust you.
Even harder to open up.

But you just did the same thing exactly just like him.

If someday I decided that I won't go deeper in any kind of relationship.

That's on you.

Of course I blame you for everything.

At first at least.

Because you deserve it.

I have every right to get angry with you.
I have every right to mad at you.
I have every right to hate you.

Damn you for ever dare to did that to me.

But then I remember.
Blame everything to you didn't change any damn thing.

I remember what "blaming" did to your whole life.
I remember what "anger" did to your whole life.

I don't want it.
I don't want it to happen to me.
I don't need that to happen to me.

So I forgive you.
Not for you.
For me.
For the sake of my mental health being.
Because I need to make peace with myself.
That I ever did a stupid thing in my life, such as trusting you.

I let that sink....

Because I want to be happy.
I don't wanna be miserable.
I want to be happy. Forgive you and move on, then be happy with my life.

I don't care about the weight you have to carry.
I care about the weight I have to carry.
And I don't want to carry this.

For now, I'm not okay.
I'm not okay at all.
But that's okay
Because you taught me to embrace my feeling and emotion. I thank you for that.

But now, I'm not okay.
And that's okay.
It's okay to not feel okay now...

I will heal.
Absolutely, I will.
And I will learn to trust again.
When I met someone that worth to be trusted, I will trust again.