The Almost-Person

When you don't get closure. 

When they drop off the face of the earth or suddenly spring a new significant other on social media, 

What would you do?

It is hard to reconcile what is with what could have been.
No matter how jaded and cynical and bitter and burned we might claim to be, we're optimists.
We like to believe in love and happily ever after, and we like to believe that something is out there waiting for us.

That is why we hold onto the could have beens,and all the future we painted in our head but were never brave enough to admit.

what you did 

what you didn't do 

what you could have done 

what was wrong with you 

what was right with you

you never get these answer
so you wind up speculating.
wondering.

it's all the unsaid and implieds.
then there's the fact that nothing ever followed through.

an ex-something.

an ex-maybe.

an ex-almost.

sometimes you risk and lose.

why do we keep risking, then?

well, i guess in the off-chance that just maybe,
this might be the time we win.

might be.

you were characters from a foreclosed past, symbols from former and forgone live.
now you are part of the permanent present.
the unfinished business.
the unresolved problem.
now you are part of the permanent present.

sometimes you just need to know that you've tried.and that was all you could have been expected to do.

I Miss The Way It Felt

" i've missed you. not in a "we're going to make out" way, not even in an "i forgive you" way. just in an "i've missed you" way."

just watched HIMYM and that line came up

its just arrive in a wrong time
i watched a wrong movie in a wrong time.

i miss everything about you.
literally everything.

the way you smile
the way you hold my hand
the way you tease me with your joke
the way you put your hand on my arms and my hips
the way you wipe my hair
the way you made me laugh

i miss your gently touch
i miss your voice
i miss your warmth body,
your warmness
i miss your smell

i miss your companion
i miss the way we spent time together, be your co-pilot, story telling, watching, playing, laughing, eating, excercising, even sleeping (literally)
i even miss your room, your stupid doll, your stupid pillow, your stupid toys, your car.
i miss the way you treat me that felt so good…

and the list can go on

i didn't miss the person

i miss the idea of the person.

i miss the memories
i miss the way it felt
i miss the way you made me felt it

i do hate you for making me want you so bad. missing you.

"you were supposed to be the vaccine, but you gave me the disease"

i thought you might be worth it
yet,
i still miss it like hell

What My Second Ex Taught Me

i broke up with my ex a few months ago. not because of the distance, not because of there is any other person, not because of we didn't love each other anymore.
simply because we didn't fit for each other.
he is a good man. really.
really really a good man.
he is nice and treat me well.
he did all the best he can for me.

like a normal couple, we fight we argue,
he made me cry, i made him angry
but then we make up.

i was happy with him

and today, finally we met.
after a long time.
we talk.
about almost everything.

at some point, he said "kamu mengajarkan aku bagaimana menghargai orang lain dan menjadi dewasa. kamu mengajari aku bahwa tidak masalah untuk hidup apa adanya, tidak palsu, dan tidak terobsesi pada 'kesempurnaan', mengakui adanya kelemahan dan membiarkan orang tau kelemahan dan kelebihan sehingga bisa diterima orang lain apa adanya. terimakasih untuk semuanya...."

at least i know that i did something good for him.
something that he will remember as a good memories
because i do have a lot of good memories about him.
and i like to keep it that way.
just remember the good.

so, this is what i learn from you.
you taught me how to be a good woman.

i can sure you that i am a woman (even i didn't look like one, because of the face and the size of my body).
but he taught me how to be a good woman.
to have a good care of myself.
to look good every time, put a bit make up on my face.
to control how to walk, how to sit.

and i say thank you for that.
not just for that.
thank you for the time that you willing to spent.
thank you for the efforts that you gave.

and I'm sorry if i ever hurt you or disappoint you.
(even you always said there is nothing to feel sorry about, i still feel like i need to say this).
i'm sorry if i can't be a good girlfriend for you. can't be the girl that you want, that you need.
(even you always said the opposite, i just feel insecure about that)
i'm sorry for all the things that i did wrong.

we decided to not going back together.
not because of we didn't love each other anymore or because of we have someone else.
simply just because we realize that we can't fit each other.
and there is no used to push it any longer.

a year and 8 months its enough to know that.
to know that it isn't work the way we want it.
the way we plan it.

we have a dream that will direct us to a different direction.
so at the end it will separate us sooner or later.
and we didn't want to kill each other dream.
so we decided to stay separated and live our own life.

and be just friend.
because thats all we can ever be.
and hoping that we can find someone who fit for us.

they said, people make a bad choice when they mad or stress, or depressed
yeah, maybe.
maybe this is bad, or good.
we never know.

but we sure, for now, this is for good.

maybe someday, if its meant to be then it is meant to be.
thats what we said.


i wish you all the best wishes i can give.
:)


Thank you Emir Ardila Rasjidi,
for taught me how to be a good woman
:)